By Dave Barry
In this vintage crack-up of a publication, Dave Barry supplies his wacky point of view on intercourse, childbirth, parenting and other kinds of sluggish, merciless torture.
In Babies and different dangers of Sex, Dave exposes usual childbirth for what it truly is: a pop phenomenon of the Nineteen Sixties that, besides paisley bell-bottoms and inventive sideburns, merits a relaxation. He examines the recent federal legislations requiring potential fathers to loose themselves from their self-made macho prisons--to snort, cry, love and simply quite often behave like qualified wimps.
Dave additionally unearths, for the 1st time in print, the key chant for painless childbirth.
Then study why no mystery chant might be able to take a woman's brain off the truth that she is in such ache that she desires a huge comet to crash into the earth and kill her and her husband and the dotor and the nurses and everybody else within the world.
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Extra info for Babies & other hazards of sex : how to make a tiny person in only 9 months, with tools you probably have around the home
He saw a dump truck. ME: And they all lived happily ever after. Now go to sleep. ROBERT: Why? Epilogue: Should You Have Another? Well! So here we are! We’ve taken your baby from a little gourd-like object with virtually no marketable skills to a real little human being, capable of putting the cat in the dryer and turning it on all by himself or herself. Sure, it’s been a lot of work for you. Sure, you would have liked to have had a few more quiet evenings alone, just the two of you sipping wine and talking instead of sitting in the hospital X-ray department, waiting to find out whether your child had, in fact, swallowed the bullets that it snatched out of the belt of the policeman who was writing a traffic ticket because you smashed into the furniture store when your child threw your glasses out the car window.
The Little Boy and the Toad (A Child-Participation Bedtime Story) It’s good to encourage your child to participate in making up stories. Here’s a bedtime story I used to tell Robert, with his help: ME: Once upon a time, there was a little boy named John. ROBERT: No. Lee. ME: Okay. There was a little boy named Lee, and one day he was walking along, and he ... ROBERT: No. He was driving. ME: Okay, he was driving along, and he saw ... ROBERT: In a Jeep. ME: He was driving along in a Jeep, and he saw a little toad.
You’ll come up with something. And when you do, think about how much fun it would be to do the whole thing over again. Not with the same child, of course; there is no way you could get it back into the uterus. I’m talking about a completely new baby, only this time around you’ll have a chance to avoid the mistakes you made last time, such as labor. I understand from reading the publications sold at supermarket checkout counters that you can now have a baby in a test tube! I don’t know the details, but it sounds much less painful than the usual route, although you’d have to balance that against the fact that the baby would be extremely small and cylindrical.
Babies & other hazards of sex : how to make a tiny person in only 9 months, with tools you probably have around the home by Dave Barry